Silent No More
by Laura W. Sparrowhawke, copyright 1998

No longer can I keep silent.
The pain that I went through
Has too important a message
That I must share with you.
My life was stolen,
Right before my own eyes.
But it was done so gradually
That I could only see his lies.

The man I thought I'd loved,
With whom I'd promised to live my life out,
Was the greatest threat to me,
I now see that without a doubt.

At first came his lies and false promises,
And slowly the negativity began to overwhelm,
Turning my lover into a harassing monster,
And shifting our marriage to another realm.

Fear replaced love one night long ago,
The night he first hurt me physically.
Shock and pain hit me suddenly
While my knees turned instantly to jelly.

My bed that night was a bathtub;
Not to relax in, but to wash away pain,
I tried with all the strength in my being
To visualize it going down the drain.

But attempted rape by your spouse,
And earlier that day an attack of shoving,
Will replace life's basic joy,
And wipe out years of loving.

But I believed his promises,
His shock and his word,
"It'll never happen again."
Is what I heard...

It was good for a long time,
Nearly a year as I look back.
But "good" in this sense overlooks much
— Including any non-physical attack.

My spirit and soul however,
Weren't faring very well,
Every fiber of my being was crying out;
My spirit sounding a death knell.

Emotional abuse is still hard to define,
But it was filling my life more each day,
Until by the end of the line
I knew how to live no other way.

So since I still can't say what was
Particularly abusive in what he did;
What ruined my soul's intensity,
With non-physical violence as I hid...

Let me at least say this,
So you will understand:
He did it so well that I followed
His every unreasonable demand...

Trying to keep the peace,
So as to be safe from harm.
Trying just to survive,
Not hearing my internal alarm.

I gave up myself to the point where
Even in the midst of imminent danger
I didn't feel fear, panic, or pain...
As if it were happening to a stranger.

Almost like I didn't have enough of myself
Left anymore to realize a right to live.
He had taken over every bit of my soul,
The real danger came when I had no more to give.

When he'd grasp me by the front of the throat
But tell me that he wouldn't choke,
I relaxed — my self-preservation gone...
I guess I'd lost some with every poke.

Poking, pinching, squeezing tight...
I did tell him those touches hurt;
But he wouldn't see the line 'tween pleasure and pain,
And neither could I; I'd lost my power to assert.

When he'd try to rape me
No longer did I fight back.
I'd tell him "no" and struggle,
But didn't successfully avoid his attack.

I didn't have enough self-esteem
To even preserve the little I had left
By physically defending myself against him,
Instead I'd let myself become totally bereft.

Suffering in agonizing, soul-denying pain,
Feeling no right to even grieve,
After my life had become so difficult.
It was hard to face, impossible to believe.

But I did and do have a right
To feel my feelings, yet avoid pain and fear,
No matter how much he says he loved me,
No matter that I didn't dare shed a tear.

I was lost from the world.
But what was even worse,
Was to live lost from myself...
That was truly the curse.

That's the place that emotional abuse creates.
There's nothing left worth protecting, you believe.
Because it's gotten so bad that you no longer exist,
Nothing to take with you as you finally leave...

When someone holds up a mirror
And you barely see yourself there,
Again you see the truth and prepare to run
As if suddenly frightened by a bear.

Something deep within yourself
Forces you to quickly react.
You take a chance to look again,
And find yourself in fact.

Starting over with no dreams, with nothing,
Is terrifying when you again feel.
But it's not worth losing yourself
And your newfound sense of life's zeal.

Fear and panic are initially intense,
But you did whatever you could.
And you won't have a chance to hate yourself
When you're just glad to rejoin the world.

Gradually peace and harmony
Again stabilize as part of your life.
And you can begin to feel pride in yourself,
And your choices when living without strife.

I smile now as I begin,
Each morning a brand new day.
I feel so like a child
Who's just been let out to play.

Now every day is mine
To do with what I will.
Even if it's just to sit in peace,
And listen to the call of a whipporwill.

But most days are more active
As I revel in my newfound freedom.
Stepping out of isolation to seek
A sense of pride — knowing my time will come...

It's worth the struggle to leave.
Please, in that you must believe!
You'll need time and space to grieve,
But it's time: a new life to weave...